Who hired these monkeys???

I work with a bunch of retards. Seriously. I'm sitting in a fucking team meeting listening to them twittering on about ordering stationery and whether black pens should be our team standard or whether it should be blue pens and I'm like WTF team standard for pens how about a fucking team standard for spelling and grammar or developing policy that makes any kind of sense. OMG you are a bunch of retards. But if I say any of that they look at me as though I am purposefully walking a block out of my way to urinate on their rose bushes. So I sit there and I look down at my book and when they've reached their deicsion that black pens are more classy, and look to me to make it unanimous I smile sweetly and ask that 3 pens be ordered for me, knowing full fucking well that at lunch time I'm going to the bookshop on Molesworth street to buy myself a purple one.

Oh, just bite me

This week I've been 'engaging with stakeholders'. This means taking really early flights on those shonky little aircraft to places that dont really have airports. Sometimes I wish I were a 'stakeholder'.Stakeholders tend to develop a knack for asking questions that are at a complete tangent. The tape in my head is awesome. It goes like this: "OMG. What the fuck ever. Bite your tongue Polly. Bite your tongue. Fuck, did she even read the background document. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Wrong hui mate. Bite your tongue Polly, bite your tongue.

My favourite stakeholders are the ones that say "Well, the Minister wrote to me and she said that she plans to ....." And I'm like, Lady do you really think the Minister read your letter and sat down at her computer and personally typed you out a reply? Do you seriously think that? I wrote that letter. I know what the Minister said to you. Do you think if the Minister where here, she'd remember your letter?

"Oh Hello Mrs Smith. Thanks for your lovely note the other day. I *do* so like your letterhead, with all those pretty little flowers. It was really special."